|Via Flickr by LWPrencipe|
I was laying in bed last night thinking about the things that I want in life and why I don't have them - all the biggies were represented: job, relationship and money.
Fear of being rejected - Ah, duh! Who doesn't fear rejection?
I haven't looked for a new job because until recently I've never had a job that I interviewed for and didn't get an offer from. In my mind, I know that there are tons of really great, qualified and educated candidates out there that maybe need a job more than me - but what a blow to the ego! (I know what a problem to have). So my fear of rejection of (several seemingly) dream jobs has caused me to stop applying.
Fear of acceptance and change. Arguably the WORST fear out there.
I met this guy a week or so ago. He is smart, funny, handsome and he was interested - so my guard immediately went up. I tried to squash my fears with gallons of alcohol and ended up totally showing my butt, but he was still cool. He called a couple of days later and I completely blew him off. Now, I can explain away my "ditching" because I was out of town with my Dad attending my Great Aunt's funeral but at the end of the day, I was scared of getting involved. My heart tells me that I want a relationship but my fear holds me back. What if he really does like me? I've been on my own for awhile now, could I change?
Fear of being found out.
I'm down right terrible with money. I know what to do. I know how to do it. I just don't know how to choose to do it. In the past, I've fronted pretty well but now all of my past digressions are catching up to me at lightening speed. A few people (and now I guess a few more) know about my fiscal irresponsibility but I'm finding it harder to deal with and keep private. I try not to let this define me (I have lots of other really great qualities) but I fear that others will use it to define me. I'm reliable, responsible, honest and trustworthy but would you see someone as reliable and responsible if you knew they don't get reimbursed for mileage because the state withholds it because they're behind on school loans?